A few months ago, I approached a friend telling her that I was planning to go on a month-long workation to Indonesia (life happened right before my trip and I had to eventually cancel my bookings), and I asked her if she wanted to tag along.Ā
We have similar backgrounds, share similar interests and curiosities, and even work in similar fieldsāāāI was sure it would have been nothing but fun!
My friend was enthusiastic when she heard my proposal and said she would ask her boss.
After a few days, I checked-in with her.Ā
āSo, how did it go?ā
She replied that sadly her boss told her she couldnāt come. An intense work period was on the horizon at her company, and she would most likely be needed at the office.Ā
āOh, bummer. But okay, I totally understand!ā, I replied.
I hung-up the phone.
I felt a tad-bit unsettled. Afterall, I was already imagining us both splitting our days between working and enjoying fun at the beach, while discovering a new country š¹š šš“! On the other hand, I was well aware that people have their priorities and obligations, and I am no-one to overstep them.
A few days went by, and I found myself still pondering the interaction I had over the phone with my friend.
There was something that had particularly struck me:
Despite my friendās mild, initial sadness, I could perceive a sense of peace with her (or her bossā?) decision back on the day we had talked.Ā
She had made no major complaints.
No major dramas or cursing.
A monk-like acceptance.
What Would I Have Done If That WasĀ Me?
I couldnāt help but picture myself receiving a similar answer from my boss.
Hereās a sneak peek of my brainās visuals:
I imagined myself crying on the floor;
Cursing my job;
Spending nights staring at the ceiling, planning a way-out;
Spoiler: I didnāt have to think too farāāāall these things happened at various moments of my life!
Why did my friend seem so cool about it?Ā
Ever Thought About Your Valuesā¦ But, ForĀ Real?
āValuesā is a buzz word. We all know what it means. We see people using it left and right in political speeches, in Vision and Mission corporate pages, and life coachesā propaganda.Ā
However, due to it being such a common and over-used word, we rarely stop to think deeply about it. In fact, we barely even take the word seriously.
I, myself, was one of the people who moved throughout life feeling drawn to take this or that decision, without really reflecting on the big pictureāāāon what was really backing my life choices.
For example, why at some point in my life did I move from Italy to Portugal for university? Couldnāt I have just stayed in my home country where, at least, I understood the language in which the classes were taught? Or why did I leave a prestigious job at an intergovernmental organization in a shiny skyscraper to travel the world and work from the most uncomfortable setups on Earthāāālike, a bedside table of my AirBnB room while in NYC, or a chimibudai in my Korean apartment for months at a time?
Surely I was aware of my adventurous spirit and endless curiosity. I was also aware of the immense fascination I have towards other cultures.
However, I had never reflected on what was really guiding my choices.Ā
In other words, I was ignoring my core values. I was walking in the dark of my own choices.
Understanding YourĀ Values
āValues refer to abstract beliefs which serve as guidelines in peoplesā life and affect the way people and events are evaluated.āāāāsays this scientific paper in psychology
The most prominent theory of values in psychology is the Theory of Basic Human Values.
This theory, first developed by Shalom H. Schwartz in 1992 and continuously updated and refined over the years, postulates that there are ten universal values shared across cultures.
Without the whole scientific explanation though, we can also look at the list below, which might make our choice easier:
Challenging Yourself With AnĀ Exercise
Early this year, I had decided to try a little exercise to understand the values I held in this phase of my life.Ā
The exercise was first asking to list your ten core values based on a list like the one above:
__________
__________
__________
__________
__________
__________
__________
__________
__________
__________
My list included: Freedom, Career, Ambition, Health, Well-being, Relationships (Love/Friendships), Peace, and a few more.
The second part of the exercise, though, was asking to reduce the list to three core values:
__________
__________
__________
Not without some difficulty, I had nailed my list down to: Freedom, Health, and Relationships.
Reflecting Over MyĀ Choice
I brewed over my choice of my values for months.
Excluding the macro-categories of Health/Well-being-related values and Relationship (Love/Friendships), I initially thought that my values of Freedom, Career, and Ambition, contained in my initial list of ten values, more or less equaled one another.Ā
Afterall, I had been swaying for most of my recent years between my desire and commitment to pursue good jobs (Career/Ambition) and also my pressing desire to travel and discover cultures (Freedom).
This side-to-side rocking movement had come with a lot of challenges in trying to reconcile these two, apparently far apart, areas of my life:Ā
Many good jobs lack location freedom and autonomy to organize oneās own schedule. Additionally, peopleās ambition to grow in their careers often disregards a holistic vision of life. For instance, they may not consider factors beyond work, such as whether they prefer a sedentary or nomadic lifestyle, or if they have fulfilling hobbies or sports they would rather do during the daytime, as opposed to afterwork.
Then why had I ended-up choosing Freedom over Career and Ambition, in the second 3-value list?
ā¦ And Puff! The Discovery
Looking at my past choices, this is what I understood.
For how painful and hard it had been, in the moment I had decided to leave my job back in 2021 at the intergovernmental organization I was working at (and also being on the verge of a promotion) in order to pursue a more nomadic, travel-friendly lifestyle for myself, I had already taken a decision about my core values without even realizing it.
And the decision looked like this:
Freedom>Career
Freedom>Power
Freedom>Prestige
However,
Freedom=Ambition
In other words, my pursuit of Freedom referred to my lifestyle as a whole, whereas Career (and all its variants, Power, Prestige and/or Status) referred to one aspect of life only (work).Ā
My life as a multi-passionate, deeply curious and adventurous individual, didnāt fit in the pursuit of a Career, only. Hence why, the value of Freedom didnāt equal Career.
This also led me to understand that the value āAmbitionā, didnāt refer to Career only. That is, the choice of opting for a freer, more travel-based lifestyle, didnāt make me any less ambitious for myself. Quite the opposite, indeed:
Iām incredibly ambitious in so many areas of my life, namely, in the amount of location and time Freedom I demand in my life, in the Health of my body, and in the strength of romantic and friends-related Relationships I surround myselfĀ by.
In a nutshell, Iām ambitious in all my three core-value areas: Freedom, Health and Relationship.
Understanding The Interaction
What I had not grasped from the interaction with my friend over the phone and her calm acceptance of the decision not to join me in my trip was that my friend was likely valuing different things in her life at that moment.
Perhaps, Relationships was a more pressing value for her, given that she was about to move in with her boyfriend to a new apartment. Or maybe Careerāāā considering she had told me she was deeply enjoying her work. Or again, perhaps Stability, as she told me she was feeling more settled in her city.
One or maybe all these core values had backed her decision to stay.
Over to youāāāWhat Are YourĀ Values?
If you feel like, try to first write your ten value-list, followed by your three core values.Ā
What did you select?Ā
Looking back at some of your life choicesāāāDo they mirror the values you chose?
Whatās an area of your current lifestyle that matches one or more of your values? Whatās an area that would need some adjustment?
And of course, feel free to hit āReplyā! Iām always curious to hearing from you.
šFancying a little read? Check my latest article:
ā”ļøI Was Living the Life You See On Instagramā¦ And I Didnāt Know It? Story of a Sudden Realization
Take care!
Caterina