Really interesting read, Caterina. It's so true that wherever you go, there you are (probably the quote I see the most on Substack these days!). And it's also true that living abroad lends itself to a life of constant missing. I fall into the camp of people who do believe that your location can have a huge impact on your outlook and life experience. But it certainly doesn't erase all your problems.
There's so much value and importance in being present and grateful for what you have. Acceptance is also a magical thing. Thank you for sharing this!
Thank you, Kaila! Acceptance truly is a magical thing! And the experience above definitely taught me the value in being more present and grateful. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!!
Cate! What can I say — wherever we are, the call of the sea finds us, doesn’t it?
There’s so much wrapped up in that feeling, and I know it well. For me, it’s nostalgia for home — and home, for me, means the sea. Sometimes I miss it like I miss air. When that happens, I cook something that carries the flavors and scents of the South, and for the duration of a meal, I travel. I also meditate, and in my mind, I go back to a small village by the sea in my region — my place of inner peace.
But it’s not just about home. It’s also that feeling of possibly missing out on a place that might suit me better. A kind of FOMO, you know?
What helps me, is creating routines connected to my passions where I live, and finding little refuge spots — places where I feel at home, even far from home.
But the truth is, whenever I return home, or even when I move to a new country, that feeling simply shifts — it becomes nostalgia for the last place I called home. The one constant is the sea’s call. And only by going back to it for a few days can I truly quiet that longing.
Manu! I kept thinking about the sentence "It’s also that feeling of possibly missing out on a place that might suit me better. A kind of FOMO, you know?" over all the past days. It's definitely a FOMO feeling. I have fomo regarding a lot of things that are happening back home (even if things happen at a much slower rate than my life abroad). I think making peace with the sacrifices of living abroad (that is, accepting that you can't be there for everything) is the hardest part. Also, just like you, I grew up by the sea and I have a periodic longing for it :)
This really hit home for me. When I was living in Canada, I couldn’t wait to move back to Europe. I kept thinking that if I just got back, everything would fall into place and life would be exactly how I wanted it to be. But now that I’m back in Europe, I find myself thinking about my time in Canada a lot—what I loved about it, the things I miss, and how life there felt different in ways I didn’t fully appreciate at the time.
It’s funny how, no matter where we are, we often look for something outside ourselves to feel “complete.” This piece reminded me that no place or move can change the deeper parts of us that we’re really searching for. I’ve definitely been learning that the hard way.
Thank you for such an honest and thought-provoking reflection. It’s a good reminder that the grass isn’t always greener—it’s what we bring to it that makes all the difference.
What you describe is very, very similar to my experience, indeed! This desire or longing to be somewhere else (especially when things get tough where we currently are) at this point feels almost like an in-built feature of human beings! As you said, it's our approach that makes the difference and I definitely want my approach to be more mindful and present to the place where I currently live! Thank you for such a thoughtful reflection!
I think it's so important that, when we move to a new country, we do so for "different", not for "better". If we are expecting "better", it's so easy to be disappointed. The perfect country doesn't exist, and even "the perfect country for you" doesn't exist. There will be upsides and downsides to every place, it's all about figuring out which upsides we care more about and which downsides we are more willing to put up with. I like moving to different places just to explore them. Just because there is something about that place that calls to me, even if there can - and will - be things I dislike about it too.
Thanks so much for your comment, Sascha! I think your point is absolutely valid. However, I also believe that when we migrate or move elsewhere we do so with a conscious (or most likely, unconscious) expectation that the new place will be better than what we live behind. Which can result in disappointment, frustrations, difficulties, etc. That being said, your approach is incredibly wise and something we should all adopt (myself included ✋).
I believe that the thing we must work on the most in this situation (and basically every situation life presents) is that there is no perfect situation. There will be things that are good, sweet, and easy. There will be aspects that feel (or truthfully are) bad, bitter, hard (maybe impossible). Some things will change, some won't. But we can always change. Can I live a full grateful life with this Truth? I return to the question Ruth King asks: Can things be uneasy without them being a problem?
Feeling your struggle as if mine bc it is and I am working on it every day. Thank you for this. Sending love. Btw I am a Nyer living in Italy (still searching for my place (within)) xo
Danni, I couldn't have said it better myself. Ultimately, there is no perfect situation or place. We just need to pick our "challenges" at any given time. And that quote you mentioned is so fitting for this article! I loved it! Good luck for your Italian experience :) keep us posted!
It's not easy to be in this situation... but I have to admit, I would have been part of the 3rd group saying "well, ultimately you have a choice, it is up to you, so either you don't like it and go, or stop complaining and accept your new reality... but complaining all day long won't make your life better" 😆
I totally understand adjusting to new things is hard. Even if we shouldn't, we have expectations, and when they are not met, it leads to disappointment.
But you have more control over your life and your decisions than you think. The stories in your head keeping you "paralyzed" are just that, stories... you can re-write them as you want.
I hope you find a way to make your stay/life in NYC more pleasant... this is what I would focus on if I was you... what can you do to feel better over there as you are deciding to stay.
Absolutely, Jeremie! I agree with everything you said. And I don't know if it transpired in the article, but my approach/decision, ultimately, was to make the most out of my experience and try to be present as much as I can. Also, I loved your point of "re-writing the stories in our head". It's such a helfpul reminder! Thank you :)
I truly believe that we have the ability to re-write our story as we want. All it takes is having the self-awareness to realize what made us who we are, and that we can change that.
Oh wow, good on you for joining the group! I've had a horrible experience with a facebook group (I might have to tell the tale at some point!) but the feelings of that anonymous writer are exactly the same that a random girl I met shared with me so openheartedly. She made me realise I was lucky not to miss home at all! I've written about it here (I'll link in case you want to read it) : https://open.substack.com/pub/barbshoneycutt/p/do-you-miss-home?r=2puiwd&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=false
Haha I definitely want to read the tale! Also, I must say, I have avoided Italians for at least 8 of my 10-ish years lived abroad, so I totally understand how you might feel! Over the past few years, I became more tolerant to their presence, but even so, I can only take it in small doses :D
Your article is very cool - thank you for sharing it! I really identified with this part "While I often described myself as ‘uprooted’, this wasn’t accurate. My lifelong friends and family were deeply rooted and stood tall and strong, showing how far I’d gone. My Italian roots were important, but like a tree, to reach my full potential, I needed to grow beyond where I was planted, and strong roots allow branches to reach higher up."
Really interesting read, Caterina. It's so true that wherever you go, there you are (probably the quote I see the most on Substack these days!). And it's also true that living abroad lends itself to a life of constant missing. I fall into the camp of people who do believe that your location can have a huge impact on your outlook and life experience. But it certainly doesn't erase all your problems.
There's so much value and importance in being present and grateful for what you have. Acceptance is also a magical thing. Thank you for sharing this!
Thank you, Kaila! Acceptance truly is a magical thing! And the experience above definitely taught me the value in being more present and grateful. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!!
Cate! What can I say — wherever we are, the call of the sea finds us, doesn’t it?
There’s so much wrapped up in that feeling, and I know it well. For me, it’s nostalgia for home — and home, for me, means the sea. Sometimes I miss it like I miss air. When that happens, I cook something that carries the flavors and scents of the South, and for the duration of a meal, I travel. I also meditate, and in my mind, I go back to a small village by the sea in my region — my place of inner peace.
But it’s not just about home. It’s also that feeling of possibly missing out on a place that might suit me better. A kind of FOMO, you know?
What helps me, is creating routines connected to my passions where I live, and finding little refuge spots — places where I feel at home, even far from home.
But the truth is, whenever I return home, or even when I move to a new country, that feeling simply shifts — it becomes nostalgia for the last place I called home. The one constant is the sea’s call. And only by going back to it for a few days can I truly quiet that longing.
Manu! I kept thinking about the sentence "It’s also that feeling of possibly missing out on a place that might suit me better. A kind of FOMO, you know?" over all the past days. It's definitely a FOMO feeling. I have fomo regarding a lot of things that are happening back home (even if things happen at a much slower rate than my life abroad). I think making peace with the sacrifices of living abroad (that is, accepting that you can't be there for everything) is the hardest part. Also, just like you, I grew up by the sea and I have a periodic longing for it :)
This really hit home for me. When I was living in Canada, I couldn’t wait to move back to Europe. I kept thinking that if I just got back, everything would fall into place and life would be exactly how I wanted it to be. But now that I’m back in Europe, I find myself thinking about my time in Canada a lot—what I loved about it, the things I miss, and how life there felt different in ways I didn’t fully appreciate at the time.
It’s funny how, no matter where we are, we often look for something outside ourselves to feel “complete.” This piece reminded me that no place or move can change the deeper parts of us that we’re really searching for. I’ve definitely been learning that the hard way.
Thank you for such an honest and thought-provoking reflection. It’s a good reminder that the grass isn’t always greener—it’s what we bring to it that makes all the difference.
What you describe is very, very similar to my experience, indeed! This desire or longing to be somewhere else (especially when things get tough where we currently are) at this point feels almost like an in-built feature of human beings! As you said, it's our approach that makes the difference and I definitely want my approach to be more mindful and present to the place where I currently live! Thank you for such a thoughtful reflection!
I think it's so important that, when we move to a new country, we do so for "different", not for "better". If we are expecting "better", it's so easy to be disappointed. The perfect country doesn't exist, and even "the perfect country for you" doesn't exist. There will be upsides and downsides to every place, it's all about figuring out which upsides we care more about and which downsides we are more willing to put up with. I like moving to different places just to explore them. Just because there is something about that place that calls to me, even if there can - and will - be things I dislike about it too.
Thanks so much for your comment, Sascha! I think your point is absolutely valid. However, I also believe that when we migrate or move elsewhere we do so with a conscious (or most likely, unconscious) expectation that the new place will be better than what we live behind. Which can result in disappointment, frustrations, difficulties, etc. That being said, your approach is incredibly wise and something we should all adopt (myself included ✋).
I like this graph. Yes it is like a cycle.
SO true, Sindy! I feel like I'm going through different cycles of awareness, indeed!
I believe that the thing we must work on the most in this situation (and basically every situation life presents) is that there is no perfect situation. There will be things that are good, sweet, and easy. There will be aspects that feel (or truthfully are) bad, bitter, hard (maybe impossible). Some things will change, some won't. But we can always change. Can I live a full grateful life with this Truth? I return to the question Ruth King asks: Can things be uneasy without them being a problem?
Feeling your struggle as if mine bc it is and I am working on it every day. Thank you for this. Sending love. Btw I am a Nyer living in Italy (still searching for my place (within)) xo
Danni, I couldn't have said it better myself. Ultimately, there is no perfect situation or place. We just need to pick our "challenges" at any given time. And that quote you mentioned is so fitting for this article! I loved it! Good luck for your Italian experience :) keep us posted!
Been here (and lots of other places in between) for 27 years. Miss the Italy of the 90's. It has changed so much. 💕💕
OMG! Had not realized that!! And yes, I totally understand what you mean :')
Thank you for sharing this with a lot of honesty!
It's not easy to be in this situation... but I have to admit, I would have been part of the 3rd group saying "well, ultimately you have a choice, it is up to you, so either you don't like it and go, or stop complaining and accept your new reality... but complaining all day long won't make your life better" 😆
I totally understand adjusting to new things is hard. Even if we shouldn't, we have expectations, and when they are not met, it leads to disappointment.
But you have more control over your life and your decisions than you think. The stories in your head keeping you "paralyzed" are just that, stories... you can re-write them as you want.
I hope you find a way to make your stay/life in NYC more pleasant... this is what I would focus on if I was you... what can you do to feel better over there as you are deciding to stay.
You'll figure it out 😉
Absolutely, Jeremie! I agree with everything you said. And I don't know if it transpired in the article, but my approach/decision, ultimately, was to make the most out of my experience and try to be present as much as I can. Also, I loved your point of "re-writing the stories in our head". It's such a helfpul reminder! Thank you :)
I truly believe that we have the ability to re-write our story as we want. All it takes is having the self-awareness to realize what made us who we are, and that we can change that.
After that, anything is possible.
Oh wow, good on you for joining the group! I've had a horrible experience with a facebook group (I might have to tell the tale at some point!) but the feelings of that anonymous writer are exactly the same that a random girl I met shared with me so openheartedly. She made me realise I was lucky not to miss home at all! I've written about it here (I'll link in case you want to read it) : https://open.substack.com/pub/barbshoneycutt/p/do-you-miss-home?r=2puiwd&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=false
Haha I definitely want to read the tale! Also, I must say, I have avoided Italians for at least 8 of my 10-ish years lived abroad, so I totally understand how you might feel! Over the past few years, I became more tolerant to their presence, but even so, I can only take it in small doses :D
Your article is very cool - thank you for sharing it! I really identified with this part "While I often described myself as ‘uprooted’, this wasn’t accurate. My lifelong friends and family were deeply rooted and stood tall and strong, showing how far I’d gone. My Italian roots were important, but like a tree, to reach my full potential, I needed to grow beyond where I was planted, and strong roots allow branches to reach higher up."
Hahaha that's so accurate XD on the verge of my 10th year here I'm almost being friendly to an Italian for the first time. Small doses indeed!
Thanks for reading :)